I never use caps lock, but MAJOR progress.

Boice, you had me at hello.

Control my level of anxiety. What? How? That's...possible? I'm getting anxiety right now over how filthy my keyboard has become. I suppose it wouldn't accumulate this much bacteria if I ate meals on a surface other than my computer. I hear they make pieces of furniture called tables for this specific reason. Too bad mine is covered in paint samples. I move in less than a month, so I'm testing out the attitude of "I'm an adult now, so I think I'll like, buy a crock pot. Then I'll paint my bathroom...you know, to "feng shui" my new apartment so I have a chic East Coast place like I see in all of the movies. I had to google how to spell feng-shui just now. Is that a verb? I don't know. I already exited out of the dictionary tab.  Google isn't a verb. I know this, but I use it as one.

That was quite the ramble. Sorry. Keep reading, there's a happy ending.

Anxiety. Boice says to identify the cause of it and stop it. I thought I needed more direction than this at first. What if there's a combination of causes? I made a mental list of things I'm not allowed to think about...which actually developed into a written list of general topics I'm not allowed to think about. I'll attach a picture at the end of this post.

This month is likely the most stressful I've ever endured. The timing of this course could not be better. I didn't think I had enough will power to halt my anxiety right now. Unless the gentle voice of Donna is guiding and putting me at ease.

Anxiety is something I've struggled with since sophomore year of high school because of a single event that I'll never forget. My older brother got a perfect score on the ACT. A perfect score! He's a C student! Why didn't I get the effortless brilliance gene? I thought about this today, and suddenly I recognized how to combat anxiety. Why couldn't I just be genuinely thrilled for him that day when we were celebrating, instead of being insanely envious in my head the entire time? I wonder if he knew. Probably. He knows everything. Jealousy, and jealousy alone, got me to take this exam five times. I got a 29 the first time, and a score of 28 the following four times. A lot of good that did me. What a waste of time.

My dad was a work-a-holic that gave me purses and a car instead of his time. We never had much of a relationship until recently. My brother willingly took on the dad role when I was about five. He never missed any of my soccer games (one year he had knee surgery the day before state playoffs and showed up in a wheelchair!), he took my pictures at senior prom...point being, he was, and still is, without a doubt the greatest person I've ever known. He's everything to me. And then it hit me.

All of my anxiety comes from competition. It's no secret we live in times of heavy (arguably creepy, but I'll expand on that another time) reliance on social media. I can see what over a thousand people, many of whom I don't even speak to, are doing at all times. Luckily my brother doesn't care much for social media, so I don't have to watch him get 200 "likes" every time something great happens for him (which is often).

Newsfeed:
Kelly "Hired by Goldman Sachs this morning! So blessed for this opportunity!"
Joey "Leaving for [obscure town on a different continent here] to teach kids English for a year!"
Dana "(picture of delicious platter of food here) Having a tres magnifique time in Paris!"

Reluctant "like". Reluctant "like". Reluctant "like".

Why didn't GS offer me a job? Why aren't I selfless enough to spend a year teaching English? Why aren't I in Paris right now eating something I can't pronounce?...Wait, why am I so secretly bitter?

Life isn't a competition. If it is, the only opponent worth competing with is yourself. I shouldn't feel like I'm trailing behind some of my friends. I'm not. For the most part, I'm exactly where I wanted to be at this age. I have things figured out. Even if I didn't have things figured out, I shouldn't be affected so much by what everyone else is doing. It's selfish, even if its in secret.

From time to time I delete all of my social media. The most I've gone without it is about eight months. I did it again before working on my BDS this afternoon, and it was the best my writing has been in a long time.

I wasn't comparing myself to anyone. I just looked over my paint samples. They've been sitting on my kitchen counter for over a week! Decision made in fifteen seconds flat. Pale yellow. I love yellow. I wish it didn't look so terrible on me. This yellow is called "Golden Straw". It's perfect. I'm satisfied. I don't care what anyone else's bathroom in Washington DC looks like, because mine will be yellow.


Apologies for how long this is, and for ranting about my family, but this was an a-ha moment.

I promise my future blogs won't be nearly as long as this was.

See you all tomorrow!

Anxiety free (right after I clean this keyboard),

E